38 weeks

At least, that's how far along I should be. Instead, less than two hours from now, I will be marking the 7-week mark of losing Margaret. It is particularly hard right now because Natalya was born at 38 weeks and two days- knowing that at this time in my pregnancy with Natalya, I was about to have a healthy beautiful baby- well, it's hard.
Every day I think about her and I wonder why this happened to us.

About a week or so ago, Natalya came up to me, lifted my shirt and kissed my belly, saying "baby be born mama". I almost broke down. I told her that the "baby was gone" and she accepted that. She hadn't mentioned a baby since I came home from the hospital so I didn't try to explain anything to her. I don't think she's at the age to understand everything. We told her a baby was coming, but I don't think she quite grasped it. Had we come home with a baby, she would have remembered us telling her that, but not having a baby, well, it wasn't anything different as far as she was concerned. But her kissing my belly like that almost broke me down.

I don't know when it gets easier. I suspect the next two to three weeks will be as hard as losing her was, since her original "due date" is fast approaching. I am hoping once that milestone is gone, and once we finally hear something from the hospital, things will get easier, at least I really hope so.