Pregnancy #3

I feel weird this pregnancy. I know it's because of our loss, but with natalya, I was excited, nervous, had some trepidation...all of that. But I always pictured holding a baby at the end of the long pregnancy process.

With margaret, we were worried, a little stressed, but happy and excited that N would have a little brother or sister. I pictured giving birth to the baby in the water and holding a newborn in my arms with Doug by my side and Natalya looking at her new baby brither/sister.

This time, I can't picture it. In my head I guess I am remembering that the last time, the only way I experienced my child was while she was inside my body. There was no...outside, holding her squirming little body. I am having a really hard time visualizing holding a breathing, living baby.

It's strange. Understandable, I suppose, but strange. This occurred to me last night. I am trying to change my mental pictures but it's really, really hard.