The stages of grief

It is said there are five stages of grief. Since losing my daughter at 31 weeks, still at birth, I have been through several of these stages, and apparently not in the right order.

Denial? Check.

Depression? Check.

Currently, the stage is ANGER.

I am ANGRY. Super angry. Why did I lose my daughter? How dare God or fate or destiny or whatever controls the state of things take my child away from me. I am just angry all the time. I get angry seeing and hearing other pregnant women talking about babies. I get angry when I hear pregnant women complain about being pregnant, whining about how they want it to be over and complaining in general about their pregnancy. I want to yell and scream and shake them. I wish I was pregnant. I wish I had a child kicking me in the ribs and keeping me awake at night. I wish I had heartburn, sciatia and RLS thanks to my wiggly unborn baby. Pregnant mamas have a right to complain and vent, some of these mamas are my friends, my good friends. AndI hate feeling angry at them, but I can't help it.

I am also angry at mamas with newborns complaining about their child not sleeping, not eating, not nursing or taking a bottle, or whatever complaint is handy. I wish I had a newborn that was not wanting to eat or sleep- at least that would mean I had a breathing baby in my arms, and not a box of ashes on my dresser.

Is this my right to be angry? Yes. But I have been keeping it to myself for fear of hurting someone I care about.

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